Healthy Boundaries: Advice from Codependency Counselling Calgary Therapists
Introduction to Boundaries by Codependency Counselling Calgary Experts
Boundaries. A bit of a buzzword in the psychological and personal development community, but the hype is for a reason. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and mental health. They keep us safe, focused, and prioritizing what matters most to us. Visit one of our past popular blog posts, ‘Boundaries: An Inside Job’ to learn more about what boundaries are.
In a nutshell, boundaries are:
The way that we interact with the world
How we teach people to treat us (and ourselves)
What we are willing to accept and not
In alignment with our needs and values
Limits that we determine and set
Something that we are responsible for
Examples of boundaries include small things like knowing how long you want to stay at an event and following through on that, all the way to bigger things like knowing how you want to be treated (and not) in a relationship with someone and taking action when you are being mistreated. It is important to remember that boundaries are created and enforced by us. We can communicate our needs to others and make a request for change but, ultimately, the follow-through on our boundary is up to us. If I do not like how I am being treated or am uncomfortable, I am responsible for taking action by leaving, changing my environment, or whatever makes sense for the situation.
According to our codependency counselling Calgary therapists, you may be vulnerable to boundaries that are too flexible or non-existent if:
You have a history of trauma in relationships
You were not modelled healthy, assertive, and/or safe connection
You have been taught that your needs do not matter
You have had your boundaries disrespected in the past
You have low self-esteem and confidence
You have mental health and/or addiction issues
You are codependent
You are a people pleaser (learn more in this blog about people pleasing)
All of these variables make us more likely to believe that other people’s feelings and needs matter more than ours. We are less likely to pay attention to our own feelings and needs, and less likely to advocate for these. Taking steps to explore and heal these vulnerabilities can put you on the path to healthier boundaries.
Do your boundaries need improvement?
An Intro to Codependency from Codependency Counselling Calgary Experts
Codependency is a relationship pattern where one person prioritizes the needs and behaviours of another, often at the expense of their own well-being and boundaries, leading to an imbalanced and potentially unhealthy dynamic. People who are navigating codependency often have a history of dysfunctional relationships/unhealthy attachment in childhood and may be vulnerable to compulsive behaviour in other areas of life, including with substance use and problem behaviours, like binge eating, gambling, sex/relationship addiction, and more. This is because the brain is wired to seek out relief, escape, validation, and engage in habitual behaviours to soothe itself, according to our codependency counselling Calgary therapists.
People with codependency struggle with boundaries. Sometimes they will struggle in just one or two key relationships (often with a partner, parent and/or child), or may notice that they struggle with boundaries in many relationships, including in their personal and professional lives. This is because codependency comes with:
Low self-esteem
Perfectionist tendencies
Obsession
The belief that other people’s well-being is your responsibility
A lack of attention to one’s own feelings and needs
The belief that having boundaries is ‘selfish.’
Healing from codependency and improving boundaries is such a valuable step to take. It can promote happiness, contentment, freedom, and empowerment to help you live your life-not other people’s! Read more tips below on how to work towards healthy boundaries and learn more about codependency counselling Calgary. Here is a blog specifically about codependency and strategies for healing.
Tips for Establishing Healthy Boundaries from Codependency Counselling Calgary Experts.
Here are our codependency counselling Calgary therapist’s top tips for helping you move in the direction of healthy boundaries. You’ve got this! We believe in you.
Learn About Boundaries & Healthy Relationships.
Many people will say “I never learned about this when I was younger, though I wish it was taught in school.” It is never too late to learn and an essential first step to change is familiarizing yourself with the tools, principles, and theory of boundaries and healthy relationships. Here are some of our codependency counselling Calgary therapists recommended resources to learn more about boundaries from:
Address Your Relationship With Substances and/or Problem Behaviours.
While the relationship may not be obvious, those navigating addiction issues or problems with substances and/or behaviours are more likely to struggle with boundaries due to lack of insight, unclear thinking, and/or shame. Establishing a different relationship with substances and behaviours can help clear your mind, improve confidence and pave the way to different boundaries. If your boundary problems are a result of codependency, it is important to remember that codependency can be considered an addictive behaviour and feel similar in its compulsiveness and unmanageability to substance use or other problem behaviours. Therefore, engaging in recovery action can help provide clarity in establishing different boundaries in your life. If your boundary issues are a result of codependency, due to the more compulsive and automatic nature of this, you may want to consider additional support rather than trying to figure things out on your own. In one of our past blogs, our codependency counselling Calgary experts talk about what relapsing with codependency can look like. Here we talk about how to recover and keep promoting health.
Build Self-Care Into Your Routine.
Our codependency counselling Calgary therapists encourage you to prioritize healthy living into your day. Exploring physical, cognitive, emotional, social, financial and cultural health and activities that support this contributes to a balanced life. This can show where boundaries may be lacking and necessary for you to live the life you want and deserve.
Unsure what self-care is and how it may be brought into your life?
Ask for Help.
There is no harm or shame in asking for help and identifying a need for support. When you went to school, you had teachers, parents, peers, and friends providing support and guidance along the way. How can we expect to support ourselves in an area we know very little about? It is okay, and encouraged, to turn to learning resources, people, and professionals to support you. Our codependency counselling Calgary therapists love meeting with people who want to explore boundaries and improve their relationships. This is done in a factual, non-judgmental, and realistic way that works for you.
Say No, As Needed.
As we learn what is okay and not okay for us, that may mean that we need to say no to certain requests. A lot of people are scared of boundaries as they have the notion that they will be saying no to everything and this will ruin relationships. Our codependency counselling Calgary therapists want to remind you that if a relationship falls apart because you said no to certain things, then this is likely not a healthy relationship to be in because it means that you cannot be valued and respected as you are, with the needs that you have.
Remember, You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings.
Our codependency counselling Calgary therapists would encourage you to incorporate this as a mantra and perhaps do some deeper level exploration around how you came to believe you are responsible for other people’s feelings. Doing this work can support you in changing narratives that no longer fit in your life and free you to meet yourself where you are at today.
Heal Your Past Trauma and Wounds.
Often a lack of boundaries was part of a coping response to trauma and/or dysfunctional relationships. Having no boundaries may have been your only way to survive and feel ‘okay’ in that situation. Doing some work on trauma healing can help you shed some of these past coping and defense mechanisms and find ways of operating that make sense for who you are and where you are at today. Our codependency counselling Calgary experts find that boundaries work is relationship work, including relationships with self and others, which can incorporate past trauma.
Explore Healthy Attachment.
Feeling safe, secure, respected, and valued within yourself as well as in relationship with others can provide the foundation from which we can implement and uphold boundaries. If we are in relationships where we feel insecure, unloved, disrespected and where there is a lack of trust, it can be hard to challenge ourselves out of old patterns. Healthy, or secure, attachment is a psychological principle that can help you learn more about finding security and safety in all aspects of relationships, including within yourself.
Re-Evaluate Relationships In the Present.
Often people evaluate their relationships based on the past and the history of the connection. While this is certainly an important part of the connection, it can neglect what is going on in the present and how the relationship has changed over time. It is important to explore for yourself how a relationship is serving you now and how it feels today; not how it felt in the past.
Consider Professional Support.
Working with a therapist, coach, or professional mentor can be helpful when establishing and improving boundaries. Having an outside perspective can support us in seeing things that we would not have otherwise seen, and viewing life from a different perspective.
For additional tips on healing from codependency, check out one of our past blogs on that topic.
Ready to take the next step in healing from codependency? Book a session with one of our experienced therapists today and begin your journey toward healthier relationships and a more balanced life
